It's been so long BUT THE TIME HAS COME AGAIN
(Yes, those are capers. Bonding struck unexpectedly and I was insufficiently prepared. Q would be so disappointed.)
We begin aboard a submarine. Snooker legend Steve Davis moodily watches a console which appears to have been inspired by a backlit gaming keyboard. The first officer's missed shirt sleeve button symbolises the tragic rift between Soviet Bloc and Western Bloc caused by the Cold War.
Crewman Fraser tries the old "Yawn and stretch" maneuver, unaware that Crewman Smith has already ducked out of his reach.
Surprisingly, smoking on board a submarine was only banned in 2010. Farting, of course, already carried the death penalty by 1973.
Given that the main branch of the Royal Navy was entirely male until 1993, it's frankly impressive that in 1977 anyone had even heard of Fore Plane.
(Pauses to enjoy, very quietly high fives self)
Mind you, three seconds later we've already progressed to Shaft Position...
WELL THE PRESSURE'S NOT HELPING
Meanwhile in Clearly Russia Because Bare Concrete and Excessive Vaguely Eastern Desk Ornaments...
WEREWOLF ATTACK nope, sorry, it's just Agent Barsov getting his knob on.
Making love on furs is always presented as this wild erotic fantasy but am I the only person who can't stop thinking of the words "Dry clean only"?
Ah, the days when high-waisted canary yellow slacks and red accessories made you the hottest thing on the powder.
"So for the new Bond movie intro I want another sexy, elegant, dreamlike sequence of shifting shapes and suggestive sillhouettes..."
"Of course, Mr Broccoli!"
"...and to really ramp up the glamour EVERYBODY MUST BE ON FUCKING TRAMPOLINES!"
"Sir, Ian Fleming is on the line. He says he's poisoning all your cigars."
Meanwhile back in ALL THE RUSSIA ALL THE TIME FOREVER.
General Gogol is so dedicated to the glorious Soviet cause he never moves more than a third of his mouth, so as to preserve glorious Soviet lip resources.
"As per your request, Commander Bond. I'm afraid the accompanying suction pump and the diesel generator required to run it were too large to bring into the building."
Bond's "strategic thinking" face actually means he's musing on the pressing question "another dose of crabs or just itchy wool uniform trousers?"
Dapper as always, Q is sporting his Brigade of Guards regimental tie and a beautiful three piece suit woven out of The Matrix.
In the 70s Ikea hadn't yet fully nailed the Scandinavian minimalist style thing...
The villainous Karl Stromburg is visited by his most trusted advisors: Off-Brand John Waters and A Muppet Given Human Form.
Hooray it's Richard Kiel. He has brought his centre parting and his friend Professor Slightly Gone to Seed MMA Fighter.
Stromburg's base really goes beyond Brutalism and into the realm of Just a Bunch of Reinforced Concrete That Hates You.
We move on to Egypt's embarrassingly obvious ripoff of one of Vegas' most prominent casinos.
Jaws obviously needs more IRON IN HIS DIET.
Because his dry and damaged hair and skin, spoon-shaped fingernails and apparent shortness of breath while running indicate a moderate case of iron deficiency anaemia.
That's probably enough of this bollocks for now. Goodnight folks.