It’s been so long BUT THE TIME HAS COME AGAIN (Yes, those are capers. Bonding struck unexpectedly and I was insufficiently prepared. Q would be so disappointed.)We begin aboard a submarine. Snooker legend Steve Davis moodily watches a console which appears to have been inspired by a backlit gaming keyboard. The first officer’s missed shirt sleeve button symbolises the tragic rift between Soviet Bloc and Western Bloc caused by the Cold War. Crewman Fraser tries the old “Yawn and stretch” maneuver, unaware that Crewman Smith has already ducked out of his reach. Surprisingly, smoking on board a submarine was only banned in 2010. Farting, of course, already carried the death penalty by 1973. Given that the main branch of the Royal Navy was entirely male until 1993, it’s frankly impressive that in 1977 anyone had even heard of Fore Plane. (Pauses to enjoy, very quietly high fives self)Mind you, three seconds later we’ve already progressed to Shaft Position… WELL THE PRESSURE’S NOT HELPING Meanwhile in Clearly Russia Because Bare Concrete and Excessive Vaguely Eastern Desk Ornaments… WEREWOLF ATTACK nope, sorry, it’s just Agent Barsov getting his knob on. Making love on furs is always presented as this wild erotic fantasy but am I the only person who can’t stop thinking of the words “Dry clean only”? Ah, the days when high-waisted canary yellow slacks and red accessories made you the hottest thing on the powder. “So for the new Bond movie intro I want another sexy, elegant, dreamlike sequence of shifting shapes and suggestive sillhouettes…” “Of course, Mr Broccoli!”
“…and to really ramp up the glamour EVERYBODY MUST BE ON FUCKING TRAMPOLINES!” “Sir, Ian Fleming is on the line. He says he’s poisoning all your cigars.”Meanwhile back in ALL THE RUSSIA ALL THE TIME FOREVER. General Gogol is so dedicated to the glorious Soviet cause he never moves more than a third of his mouth, so as to preserve glorious Soviet lip resources. “As per your request, Commander Bond. I’m afraid the accompanying suction pump and the diesel generator required to run it were too large to bring into the building.” Bond’s “strategic thinking” face actually means he’s musing on the pressing question “another dose of crabs or just itchy wool uniform trousers?” Dapper as always, Q is sporting his Brigade of Guards regimental tie and a beautiful three piece suit woven out of The Matrix. In the 70s Ikea hadn’t yet fully nailed the Scandinavian minimalist style thing… The villainous Karl Stromburg is visited by his most trusted advisors: Off-Brand John Waters and A Muppet Given Human Form. Hooray it’s Richard Kiel. He has brought his centre parting and his friend Professor Slightly Gone to Seed MMA Fighter. Stromburg’s base really goes beyond Brutalism and into the realm of Just a Bunch of Reinforced Concrete That Hates You. We move on to Egypt’s embarrassingly obvious ripoff of one of Vegas’ most prominent casinos. Jaws obviously needs more IRON IN HIS DIET. Because his dry and damaged hair and skin, spoon-shaped fingernails and apparent shortness of breath while running indicate a moderate case of iron deficiency anaemia.That’s probably enough of this bollocks for now. Goodnight folks.
Part 2 – NEW BONDING BEGINS HERE EHRMAGEHRD FER REALS
This has happened before, it will happen agai….I ONLY GOT HALF AN HOUR IN LAST TIME? :OWell, it’s been eight months since I did the first part so I’m sure I shall enjoy figuring out why Bond is feeling up Budget Omar Sharif under a green light in a sandpit.[actually thinks to skim earlier Bonding – brief pause] Well, that cleared up nothing except to remind me that I had to substitute capers for olives last time as well. SIGNIFICANT? No.Bond adjourns to several large rooms decorated with every vaguely Middle Eastern thing Eon Productions could find at the market in SloughAlso solving the question of what Mungo Jerry used to do when gigs were thin on the groundOh no, Bond is being stalked by some kind of undetectable MASTER OF DISGUISE“You have some competition, Mr Bond. And from where I sit, I think you’ll find the lady’s figure…hard to match!” You suave bastard, Max Kalba. You must be the toast of the PUA forums.Yeah, and your novelty Zippo is definitely helping to dispel that impression.
Time to wander around ruins some more and have another fight because apparently the writers were really out of ideas for this film beyond “They’re like, in love and stuff”
“Ewww, manual labour”“Women drivers!” huh, and I’d assumed that a character’s punchability had some kind of upper limit…
After watching Jaws unsuccessfully fight a van for two minutes then drop a large rock on his toe in a hilarious fashion, I can definitely see how he became such an iconic and sinister figure in the franchise’s lore.I AM LOSING HOPE OF ANYTHING ENTERTAINING HAPPENING AND I WANT EVERYONE IN THIS FILM TO DIE IN A FIRE.“Mr Broccoli, the Egyptian Tourist Board say if we don’t meet our quota of wandering around ruins they’re cutting off our fez supply.”God I miss Professor Slightly Gone to Seed MMA FighterAh, the days when the British defence budget covered unlimited single malt Scotch, tailored wardrobes for all and moving the entire command and logistics structures of Military Intelligence to impromptu themed field offices just to stop agents from getting lonely.Sadly Q’s budget, greatly depleted after the move, has reduced his stealth technology repertoire to a sad, clumsy pantomime he calls “I’m a little teapot”
“Good Lord no 007, there’s no tactical use for it. But after fourteen sherries it is jolly good fun.”
“I’ve just electrocuted a man’s teeth then kicked him out of a window. So, sex now, presumably?”“Now, pay attention 007. This new vehicle has a special feature: If you dent it we never get our deposit back from Lamborghini and have to shoot the rest of the film within a bus ride of Elstree.”It is a complete mystery why none of the uniform designers of the world’s most terrifying elite combat forces have ever considered “salmon” as a colour scheme.“Why do we seek to conquer space when seven tenths of our universe remains to be explored…the world beneath the sea.” I think Brian Cox would like a word.Stromberg apparently felt that the 70s trend of displaying one’s manliness via a large medallion was unnecessarily abstract.
Thankfully Stromberg’s ultra secure futuristic ocean base has no means of detecting us if we sneak up in this SPORTS CAR WITH FINS ON
IT NEVER EEEEEEENDS
See you in Part 3, folks.
If you’ve enjoyed this, um…bless you? I have slightly more practical writing over at my maker blog My 10,000 Hours, and you can also check out my webshop Uncommon Works where I sell things I make including beeswax candles and tealights, gift boxes, laser cut rubber stamps and printed designs. Cheers for dropping in!
