On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (1969)

I can’t deny it or put it off any longer.
It is time to have an refreshing cocktail and watch a Bond movie.

It is entirely normal to be this prepared for cocktails. This is like 2% of my freezer space. At most I’m sacrificing room for 3-5 Potato Waffles.

Q has radioactive lint. Or so he claims. Nobody’s actually used a Geiger counter on it, he may just have been caught short for a demo at the last moment and had to rummage in his belly button in the hallway so as not to disappoint M.

007 is enjoying his favourite pastime: Sitting in a stationary car in front of a movie screen showing documentaries about the California coastline with really wobbly camerawork.

Hooray it is Diana Rigg. She has mistakenly believed that her giant sleeves will serve as a flotation device. Fortunately George Lazenby is here to rescue and then smirk all over her.

In contrast to Sean Connery’s seductive face, George Lazenby’s is less “I secretly farted” and more “I’ve been licking your bicycle saddle” #heartthrobs

Credits time JESUS CHRIST you could spit-roast a pheasant on those nipples. Patriotic ardour or Eon Productions being too cheap to heat the studio?
This, ladies and gentlemen, is style: White suit, white shoes, and the hair off a lego man.

“PLEASE stay alive…at least for tonight ;)”

Bond is a man of principle, damnit, and that means necrophilia is entirely off the cards.

MI5 training includes advanced courses in “Remaining apparently debonair while an albino sea cucumber is devouring your favourite shirt.”

“Mr Bond, I have invited you here to dominate and nob my daughter. But, you know, as therapy.” CBT has come a long way since 1969.

I used to watch Bond films and lust after a sports car with machine guns. These days I watch Bond films and start looking up knit ties on Ebay…

“I know you love it when I dress up as a Christmas cracker…”
“For the last time Mr Bond, please remove your penis from my jacket pocket. It wasn’t funny at the cocktail party and it’s not getting any funnier.”
“Our entirely innocent allergy research clinic on a Swiss mountain surrounded by armed guards leads the worldwide investigation into the immune response to MULTICULTURAL TOTTY”.
An unusual variation on the classic “erotic eating” scene. The variation being to replace eroticism with blind terror.

“I have taught you to love chickens. To love their flesh.” A career-defining moment for Telly Savalas, I think we can all agree.

Part 2

I fear it may be time for a refreshing cocktail and the other half of “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service”. This has been known to lead to Commentary. If that wasn’t what you wanted your wall full of this evening…I apologise in advance 😛

When we left our hero, he had just managed to get laid while impersonating an effeminate upperclass English heraldry expert (in Scottish national dress for some reason), and was taking a walk-of-smug back to his room.
The Multicultural Totty has been colour coded for easy identification and it’s time to play…curling, possibly? for the Stanley Cup on steroids with a teapot on top.

Bond boldly scales the vertiginous face of the complex, determined that nothing will stop him reaching his climactic sock puppet performance.
In a tactical oversight, 007 has gone skiing in his long johns.
Advanced driving requires advanced blowjob face.
“I hope my big end will stand up to this.”
Stay classy, Diana Rigg.
Well, now we know where the last specimen of the endangered Golden Wookiee went…
“Honestly darling, this never happens to me. It’s just that everything in this barn smells of cowshit, there are at least a dozen rats watching us and my right buttock is resting on a pitchfork I’m pretty sure has given me tetanus.”
All snark aside, this is a genuinely beautiful movie. You just don’t see use of colour, light and shade like this anymore.
Begin the rescue mission! Hostages are grenade-proof, right?
Q’s experimental window cleaner was going to need some more work.

Damnit, ending gets me every time. I mean, the dust in here…

Bonding Complete

If you’ve enjoyed this, um…bless you? I have slightly more practical writing over at my maker blog My 10,000 Hours, and you can also check out my webshop Uncommon Works where I sell things I make including beeswax candles and tealights, gift boxes, laser cut rubber stamps and printed designs. Cheers for dropping in!

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